Just me

Ok, yes I realize I am messed up. I've known this. It is so hard when you know your strongly connected to someone and you need to let them go. So I am looking into ways to fix this.
So I am trying to not focus on the details of the relationship. I'm trying to focus on ways to let it go.

I love him to death, but that is always the reason people stay in abusive relationships. No, he isn't physically abusive, been there done that, I run at the first sign of physical abuse. So why do I stay with emotional abuse?
The funny thing is, I don't think he realizes he is doing. It is obvious, to me anyway, that this is going on. He doesn't realize the lack of respect, the bad treatment, inconsiderate actions. When he feels me backing away, he will give me that little reminder that we have a close connection. Not blatantly, but threw actions. The caring shows up, the love and compassion that had disappeared.

Well I don't want this relationship with the bad treatment anymore. I've tried to get things back to a more healthy positive relationship, but since he can't see the bad side to it, that isn't gonna go away. So it is time I do. Which completely breaks my heart and is what is making this such a difficult choice to make.

Me just saying 'Good-Bye' to him doesn't work either. I've tried that, he seems to see it coming and finds ways to avoid it. So yea.. that type of closure won't happen.
He is currently in a situation that keeps him very occupied, so I think this might be a good time to heal myself and move on.

Any support, advice, similar situations out there I would love to hear from you. Not sure I can do this alone, but I will do my best.

Heres to a new day!

So what do you do when you feel all alone?
He is gone. My best-friend of 5 years. No, not dead, just gone. The openness and closeness we had seemed to evaporate into thin air. We still speak on occasion, but it is like I am talking to a stranger.
Nothing is confided in any longer, nothing is comfortable anymore. This new girl that has entered his life seems to be controlling him. He feels she supports him in whatever he wants to do, yet he is always stressed when we talk claiming that it causes problems for them. How can that be if she is supposedly so understanding and supportive? Is it that I am a female, that his best-friend was not a man?

So, he is gone. I know he has been traumatized by loosing the first love of his life. Now all the girls I have witnessed him with are almost a mirror image of that one girl. So it is very hard for me to respect his choices in girl-friends. They all circle the same age range, body type, body art, activities,  insecurities, childishness...
"Look at me, I am a ballerina" then she spins around with her hands in the air. What is she 5? My last night visiting with him the last time I was in town, she did this as an attempt for his attention, after she changed her clothes into something more sexy. I wanted to scream at her... WE AREN'T LOVERS YOU DIM WHITED CHILD!!! Best-friends... I am not a threat to you. He wont leave you for me, we are FRIENDS! It is my last night in town, leave us in peace already!!!
We visit or use to visit with each other 3 to 4 times a year. We don't live that close to each other. Over 20 hours traveling time on trains and ferries to visit, so it doesn't happen all that often for us to be face to face.

The next visit is usually brought up when one ends. This time I was with my family, so we had other arrangements for where to stay. Normally I when I go there, I stay with him. When the next visit was brought up, he said staying with him would be a problem. So with her in his life, I am no longer welcome to stay at his house.
I don't think I will continue with the next visit. It was to be in November.

How can I just back off and not take it personally the way things have changed?
He told me he is still here. I haven't lost him, but he is wrong. I have lost him. I am alone again.

Bullshit high school drama! I am too old for this shit and none of us are in high school anymore. What is with people!!!?

I am at the happiest place on earth for me. No, not Disneyland. Yet nothing is going right.
I feel like screaming.
I wish the people that are making this trip horrid could just change moods. I love this place, I want to enjoy it!!!

Is it bad that nothing has come close to my first time?

Well it isn't quite morning anymore, but I had a nice one after a few days of headache hell.
A friend came over for lunch and just relaxed, chatted and watched some shows.
It's kind of gloomy outside, not great weather for summer time, but what to do? Guess I will straighten up the house before the husband gets home so the rest of the day will be a relaxing one.

Im in the corner watching you kiss her.... Im right over here, why cant you see me... 
I'm givin' it my all, but I'm not the girl you're takin' home..

I keep dancin' on my own...

Ever had a block party? I have not, at least not me personally and not in this country. I think it will be more mellow then in Cali.
Perhaps people will actually be nice and chat with me. It is hard being the odd one out. Having been a loner all my life I tend to not be the one that approaches others really.
Heres to hope that I will make new friends,

You know it is hard to let someone go even tho you know it is what's best for everyone. I mean if there is caring, love and a desire for each others happiness. How could it possibly not work? How could things fall apart so easily when they worked so well for years?

This is hard!

Bye my friend. The lack of respect is huge. You say you care, then you do this?
It's time for me to leave you. I will love yo always.