Just me

I think he has gotten the point. He hasn't tried to get in touch with me for a few weeks. Thats a good thing.

I mentioned to my husband what he did. My husbands reaction got me laughing. His ego grew! 'My friend wants my wife! Because I married someone fantastic!' Says this as he is slightly dancing a jig in the kitchen.

I haven't mentioned what happen to the guy's girl-friend. I don't see the point. He might be a dog, but he is one of those people that everyone loves! I don't think many would believe what he did to me. Especially one who is blinded by love. So no point in drama. I'll just hope she moves on and finds someone worth her.

Always. It doesn't fail. The people that use to make me calm and happy are driving me mad.
Always tired, always grumpy, always critical.
Talking about anything doesn't happen either. No matter what I bring up I get little or no response. I really don't know what is going on. If something that is bothering me comes up I get chastised that I am not doing things right about it. Being alone lately seems to be better than being around anyone. I feel fine until someone I love comes close to me.
Their tiredness is making me exhausted. Their grumpy-ness is making me full of anxiety.
This place is small and not much to do. So getting out and meeting new people to get some sort of enjoyable interaction isn't the easiest thing to accomplish. I don't want to be alone all the time. Yet that seems to be my option now-a-days.

I did have a friend, actually a couple that I was having coffee with a few times a week. The guy I have known for several years. Then about a year ago he got a girlfriend. She seemed nice enough. That was nice for a while, but now even they aren't an option anymore. All of a sudden guy decided I was attractive. So he decided to start hitting on me! I've known him for years! What the F!!! Now he is with her, all happy. After a year together they are even looking to buy a place and move in together and NOW he starts hitting on me? First of all we were JUST friends. For YEARS, just friends! I'm married and now he has this girl he 'says' he is head over heels for and he starts hitting on me? What a dog!
I am really starting to think a cave in the middle of nowhere might be a good idea for me.

Only a proxy. How delightful!

Someone who has tried to take away something so meaningful, so precious to me because of her own selfish wants...
How delightful is it to find out that she is only a proxy to the person she loves. Perhaps that makes me mean, or evil?, that I find delight in this news.
I see it as poetic justice. Or maybe Karma.

She's just a proxy!

I want to go home. Yet where I feel at home is not really my home. Never felt like home was home ever till I went to this place. Now I can only visit. Some people I would go to visit aren't in my life anymore so it is harder to go to where I feel at home. Feels weird, but I still want to go home for a visit.

Relax, breath, don't say too much. Light chat, keep secrets inside. no opening up.

My friend's baby... about 2 years old woke up asking for a lollypop.
Her mom gave her a lollypop for breakfast.

What the hell???

Just to clarify... the last post had nothing to do with the situation with my best-friend. I do need to stop calling him that I think.

I have backed away and am still away. He talked to me once since I backed off and of course everything went to hell when she came round.
Why do I get treated like I am the one throwing the fits and causing the problems?
Yup.. best to stay away.  :(

Does it ever feel like the mistakes that were made in the past were the big ones. So nothing will make the future right?

I am not sure if my relationship with him falls into this category. Yet there are a few things that would make me think so. There is this article I found 'Can't let go of a bad Relationship'. Reading some of the comments, I would say we are nothing like them. Yet there are little things that suggest a similar path. I am kind of happy that we weren't of a romantic relationship. Now there I think he is way off in how things go. That would be very bad place to be in. Like in his situation now. He is not in a healthy relationship and things are happening that is on the road to abuse. I tried to talk to him about this today. I ended up hanging up on him, he just started yelling. I called back when I thought he would be calmer.

I don't think he wants to see the truth of what is going on. So I am keeping my distance. Yet, I am getting such a guilty feeling of abandoning him... When it was he ho abandoned our friendship in the first place. Well, I've warned him and I will be there for him if he asks, but I don't think he will. So I am safely away from this time bomb

I did find this article very helpful. So I thought I would share it. There is probably someone out there that would find this very helpful.

(it is confirmed, she is manipulating him)

Ok, yes I realize I am messed up. I've known this. It is so hard when you know your strongly connected to someone and you need to let them go. So I am looking into ways to fix this.
So I am trying to not focus on the details of the relationship. I'm trying to focus on ways to let it go.

I love him to death, but that is always the reason people stay in abusive relationships. No, he isn't physically abusive, been there done that, I run at the first sign of physical abuse. So why do I stay with emotional abuse?
The funny thing is, I don't think he realizes he is doing. It is obvious, to me anyway, that this is going on. He doesn't realize the lack of respect, the bad treatment, inconsiderate actions. When he feels me backing away, he will give me that little reminder that we have a close connection. Not blatantly, but threw actions. The caring shows up, the love and compassion that had disappeared.

Well I don't want this relationship with the bad treatment anymore. I've tried to get things back to a more healthy positive relationship, but since he can't see the bad side to it, that isn't gonna go away. So it is time I do. Which completely breaks my heart and is what is making this such a difficult choice to make.

Me just saying 'Good-Bye' to him doesn't work either. I've tried that, he seems to see it coming and finds ways to avoid it. So yea.. that type of closure won't happen.
He is currently in a situation that keeps him very occupied, so I think this might be a good time to heal myself and move on.

Any support, advice, similar situations out there I would love to hear from you. Not sure I can do this alone, but I will do my best.

Heres to a new day!

So what do you do when you feel all alone?
He is gone. My best-friend of 5 years. No, not dead, just gone. The openness and closeness we had seemed to evaporate into thin air. We still speak on occasion, but it is like I am talking to a stranger.
Nothing is confided in any longer, nothing is comfortable anymore. This new girl that has entered his life seems to be controlling him. He feels she supports him in whatever he wants to do, yet he is always stressed when we talk claiming that it causes problems for them. How can that be if she is supposedly so understanding and supportive? Is it that I am a female, that his best-friend was not a man?

So, he is gone. I know he has been traumatized by loosing the first love of his life. Now all the girls I have witnessed him with are almost a mirror image of that one girl. So it is very hard for me to respect his choices in girl-friends. They all circle the same age range, body type, body art, activities,  insecurities, childishness...
"Look at me, I am a ballerina" then she spins around with her hands in the air. What is she 5? My last night visiting with him the last time I was in town, she did this as an attempt for his attention, after she changed her clothes into something more sexy. I wanted to scream at her... WE AREN'T LOVERS YOU DIM WHITED CHILD!!! Best-friends... I am not a threat to you. He wont leave you for me, we are FRIENDS! It is my last night in town, leave us in peace already!!!
We visit or use to visit with each other 3 to 4 times a year. We don't live that close to each other. Over 20 hours traveling time on trains and ferries to visit, so it doesn't happen all that often for us to be face to face.

The next visit is usually brought up when one ends. This time I was with my family, so we had other arrangements for where to stay. Normally I when I go there, I stay with him. When the next visit was brought up, he said staying with him would be a problem. So with her in his life, I am no longer welcome to stay at his house.
I don't think I will continue with the next visit. It was to be in November.

How can I just back off and not take it personally the way things have changed?
He told me he is still here. I haven't lost him, but he is wrong. I have lost him. I am alone again.

Bullshit high school drama! I am too old for this shit and none of us are in high school anymore. What is with people!!!?

I am at the happiest place on earth for me. No, not Disneyland. Yet nothing is going right.
I feel like screaming.
I wish the people that are making this trip horrid could just change moods. I love this place, I want to enjoy it!!!

Is it bad that nothing has come close to my first time?

Well it isn't quite morning anymore, but I had a nice one after a few days of headache hell.
A friend came over for lunch and just relaxed, chatted and watched some shows.
It's kind of gloomy outside, not great weather for summer time, but what to do? Guess I will straighten up the house before the husband gets home so the rest of the day will be a relaxing one.

Im in the corner watching you kiss her.... Im right over here, why cant you see me... 
I'm givin' it my all, but I'm not the girl you're takin' home..

I keep dancin' on my own...

Ever had a block party? I have not, at least not me personally and not in this country. I think it will be more mellow then in Cali.
Perhaps people will actually be nice and chat with me. It is hard being the odd one out. Having been a loner all my life I tend to not be the one that approaches others really.
Heres to hope that I will make new friends,

You know it is hard to let someone go even tho you know it is what's best for everyone. I mean if there is caring, love and a desire for each others happiness. How could it possibly not work? How could things fall apart so easily when they worked so well for years?

This is hard!

Bye my friend. The lack of respect is huge. You say you care, then you do this?
It's time for me to leave you. I will love yo always.

A kilo over night? Huh?
Maybe my scale is broke. Hope not!

It has been cold lately. Nice, pretty, sunny, HUGE clouds and hail. It is almost summer. What happen to the warm weather?

I didn't eat cake. 17th of May is full of parades, bunads, ballons, Ice cream and tons of avalible cakes at the schools.
Yet I didn't have any. I use to enjoy this aspect of the holiday. Guess my love for cake is officially dead.

I would have told you about my day.
Bought some clothes, can you believe it? Me? Went shopping!!!
Well I have lost over 23 kilos now. I do need new clothes, nothing fits me anymore.
A size medium for the shirt. It was great! I don't look too fantastic ya know, but the sight of me in the mirror  didn't make me cry!  Yay me!

Man, I miss you!  :(

Check your stuff.
There is soo many places on line to have profiles and some people that have so many so some get neglected.
Yet I don't have an e-mail!
Check your stuff!

Since the last post was about my weight loss, I figured I would fill you in just a bit with my issues on it.

First off I don't gain weight. I've only gained during my pregnancies, never before in my life (except for childhood growth of course) did I gain weight or ever again after. I use to be a diligent gym go'er. You get kinda turned off to such things when you work so hard for years to just gain weight that wont go away. So I stopped working out everyday at gyms about 6 years after my first pregnancy. Nothing was getting lost. (Funny, even after I stopped going to the gym I didn't gain weight either!) Very strage I thought. For years I couldn't wrap my head around it, so I just focused on another part of my life then.


Well I figured it out. At least I figured it out for me. POISONS! Thats all it was, spices and some "healthy foods" that had hidden POISONS in them. So I eat the same, the only difference is I create my own spice mixes, and a few sauses I liked and dishes I just make from scratch. My favorite dishes even taste better now! :)

Nothing too radical. I don't go raw, I can't see me not cooking, I love cooking. I can't go vegetarian. I get too tired. I checked a while back metabolic typing and I seem to be more on the protien side and I prefer to get my protien from animal sources. From my lifestyle and ability to get foods, it is just the best source for me. So threw the years I have dabbles in a few things.
Oh... I do avoid sugar at all costs. It is HARD to do this, so it is the only thing I pay attention to. I don't even count calories. I just make sure there is no sugar in the food I am getting. The only exception is fruit. I love fruit!  :)

I only drink water. I will drink juice or broth if I am sick. Also on special occasions I will drink with friends. I set aside 2 days a week where I can eat anything I want, that way if I go out with friends or to a party, there is no guilty feelings. Stuff like that can ruin good eating habits. You get guilty, then you get sad, then you give up and eat. No comfort foods for me please. I don't want or crave them.

So I figured it out for me, Yay ME!

What is the ideal weight? There is so much info and the range is so huge. 16 kilo's is the range about. I want to get a little more specific to make a target weight. Or since I changed my lifestyle and not really my diet, do I just go with what I end up with?

So again, first off, whatever target weight I set I am over half way there!
After my last child was born I ended up at 96 Kilos!!! (Ouch! For someone that went threw life at 50 kilos before children, this is a HUGE blow. Especially with the active lifestyle I had.)
If you have noticed the numbers  in my subject line, that is where I have kept track of my weight loss. So yup, now I am at 73.6. My pre pregnancy weight of 50 might be a bit out of my reach for my age. My height is about 160 (5'2"). The table I looked at said 47.5 to 61.5 kilos. So where in that 16 lbs do I fit in?

Things that are said keep spinning and spinning in my head. Hopefully after a few days it will relax. Why Can't I control my own wants! Argh!!!

Back and forth, back and forth. Now back. it's done. I have told him I am going away. Backing off until I can handle life again. It is hard when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with just to find out it will never be reality. Your emotions kinda do a LOT of rebeling.
Funny thing is I am normally not a depressed person. Life dosn't normally suck for me. So when this situation happend to me I was unprepared.
I have been in many relationships, break-ups. being taken by someone that wasn't taken by me, and visa versa. So I have been in this situation before. So I thought I was prepared.
This one was different, this one my mind had decided (or my soul?) that he was thee ONE!

I wasn't prepared.
Wish me luck that he isn't the ONE and there is hope for my future.

I need that. Or maybe just a tad bit of motivation?
There are things I want and things I would like to do. I guess I just need a fire up my tush to do it. My motivation right now stinks and I am pretty sure I can be a bit more creative about things to do or get accomplished. You know, knowing things I want dosent me I know what I want.
Like I want work, but what kind? It is hard to get a job here not being so good with the language. So I need to get creative about thoughts to find something that will work. I am not keen on just being a maid at a hotel. Which seems to be all I am useful at the moment since I can't speak Norwegian.

Ideas! I need Ideas!
*bangs head against the wall* j/k

Talked with him tonight. Well most of the day. We can't seem to leave each other alone. If I back off, he comes forward, if he backs off I do.
I guess somewhere deep down we need each other.
He dosen't want me to go away. I told him I was going. He is happy on a level I can't provide and him knowing that it makes me sad, makes him miserable. (Sad that I can't be that person in his life, but not sad that he is happy. I am actually very happy about that.) So no matter what we have done lately, we have been upset, fights, crying, just pure misery.
After that talk, we played games a bit. It was like we have never fought.
I hope this good feeling between us lasts. Too soon to tell, so I wont hold my breath, but I can hope!  :)

Wayyy too cold today. Went for a walk and I got a headache from not wearing a hat.
The sun was shinning and it was very warm in the jacket. So decieving.

Watch I get sick! Bahhhh

There she blows...
The wind is vicious today. Sun is shining and the wind is killing all the warmth.
Still pretty out. Nice to see the sky after a few days of gloomy skies and rain.


Miss you Sweets.

Rain rain go away, come back another day.

The rain hates me. I was gonna have guests come by the past couple days and no go. All due to the weather. These friends walk everywhere. but one has a baby and they live far enough that the wind and the rain would soak them to the bone. So no visit today or yesterday.
I do have another friend planing to come by tomorrow, but she hates walking. Driving is her thing. So there is no excuse for her to back out. We will see.

As for having friends, it is nice, but they aren't Norwegian!!! It is so hard to make friends with the Norwegians here it is crazy. Luckly there are others out there that aren't Norwegian in this town or I will be worse off than I am.
So what is better? Norwegians or Swedes when it come to making friends? Both I know are hard, but which is the more open to new relationships in general?
I think Swedes, but I would like others opinions on this. Whats your thoughts?

Just a bit of gaming today. Playing wow. I don't do it all that often. Sometimes I just get the urge to play a game. I guess I find it more fun to play a mmo's with others. The area I live in very few friend here. It is majorly hard to find a friend. New country, new social expectations. So it makes it kinda lonely on that end.
Yet I know it isn't me. I have heard this issue with a lot of people in my situation. Yet, the people in my situation here are few and far apart, it is hard to make a community to hang with when it takes 2 hours to get to the nearest other expat.

I think I would have gone on a hike, but it was a bit cold today. Enjoy your Sunday.

Had a nice relaxing day I think.
Did a bit of housekeeping. Sat outside in a sunny spot and read a bit of a book.
Then made a nice dinner.
I am watching what I eat more often now so food makes me feel better. The chemicals and sweetners and stuff gives me major headaches.
Starting at the begining, I had this issue with my back, so last summer I went to a chiropractor. After 2 sessions with him, my headaches that I got every day, reduced to several times a week.
Then I saw an article about msg and some other posions they put in food. I didn't eat bad to begin with, but the spices I was using had tons of this stuff in it. So I am pretty much eating the same, just paying more attention to spices and avoiding spice packages and spicing things myself.
My headaches are now a thing of the past. AND I dropped 20 kilos since I started to do this. OMG, if I knew that was it! Just adjust the spices? I eat the same!
I knew I was missing something yesterday when I was thinking of good things to write about.!  :)

I know my posts lately, or for a long time now, have not been really positive or fun.
Sorry about that. Just going threw a really bad time this past year.
So lets see, something good.
You know it is hard to find something good with this state of mind.

I'm steal breathing. I guess that is good. Yet most of the time it dosen't feel like it.
I'm loosing weight. Lost over 15 kilo's in the past 8 months. Not sure if that is fast, slow or a good pace, but it is good for me.
My children are happy and healthy.

I guess that is enough for now. I am try to focus on the good parts of life since this darkness feels so consuming. Hopefully I can pull myself out of this bad state before it gets the better of me.

I do like reading, so if anyone has suggestions on a good book or an author they just love. I would appreciate it. Something new to get suck into would be helpful.
Ok, love stories and sad dramas might not be a good thing to recomend at this point. So yea, something new would be nice.

Thanks.  :)

The hardest thing is to watch the one you love, love someone else.  <\3
:(

I got threw every day because I knew you were there.
Now you are gone. I don't feel you anymore.
Time to find a new path. Time to head out alone. I am now alone.
I don't know where to go in this darkness.

So much for friendship
So much for trust
So much for things getting better
So much for us

:(

Been slacking I have. Thats not good.
I need to try to get focused and back into a good routine!

Some things I would never tolorate, and I am not. Yet my mind keeps screaming to not let go.

My mind should know better.

This is driving me batty. You know I have never been so sensitive over a friendship before.
I am not sure what will help, but I feel like I am going mental.
I am doing things, hobbies, reading books, taking walks. On top of my normal daily life. I can't get him or the downfall of our friendship out of my head!
Were still on speaking basis, but no where near what we were and my mind is screaming at me. I am not sure how I got so dependant on another person. I mean this has NEVER happend to me before with anyone. Not even when my ex husband and I broke apart. Or when my current one drifted away with an emotional affair that has kinda crippled our emotional connection.

Is this some cosmic connection or does age just really mess with your emotional side?

Calming down about things. I wonder if my mind is getting it or I am just going numb about it. I guess it really doesn't matter as long as I am calmer.
I still don't get a lot of it. I know how he is with me, so for him to sit by and not meet me half way to help make this easier is beyond me, but such is life I guess.

On to other things.
The kids are out of school for a week. Time to focus on them more.  :)

Kids, party, movies, hot dogs and cake.
Enough to drive a mommy mad  :P

Sat, relaxed, had a cup of tea with a friend.
Was nice to forget about all the crap for a little while.

Thats the word of the day. Well not here. I don't really plan on not posting anymore yet.
There are just a few things I need to say good-bye to right now.
Don't really want to, but seems no other way. Out with the bad in with the... what? Hopefully something good will come out of this.

So good-bye. Love you forever.

I wanna sleep, but can't. Seems my mind wont shut it. I hear everything. The floors creaking, the clock, my husband breathing. Not to mention every little itch, tickle and annoyance you can think of that will keep you awake.
The thing is I am tired. So why can't I just pass out? *sigh*

Feeling better about things today. I am a bit up and down about all this stuff, which is quite annoying. So hopefully this accepting mood I am in best stay.
I over heard some stuff that I ummm, really didn't want to hear. People need to learn to leave rooms when they get a call and have an open mic on sometimes. I don't understand Swedish all that well, but I understood enough to get the jist of the conversation. I wasn't trying to easdrop, but the open mic and they were talking right next to it, so it was very clear and hard to ignor.

It really really wasn't something I wanted to hear. After thinking about what was said, it made me glad I am where I am with my friend. Not gonna go into detail, but I think it was actually a good thing I heard and understood a bit of it. It gave a bit of clarity.

Yay!

Well, feeling a bit sick to my stomach. Over heard something today that I really really didn't want to hear.
My life is just a bowl of cherries lately.

Well not new, just back I guess. Starting up an old game again. Been off for quite a while, but I have to do something. Every game I use to play I played with my friend. It is depressing to go and not have him about.
He said he needs time/space/whatever. Sometimes that request is legit, but sometimes that means a person is moving on.
Only time will tell, but until then. I need to calm down. Hope this helps.

Nope, got nothin today or yesterday or the day before that.
I am kinda tapped out. To emotional. Ok, I am one of thoes overly sensitive people, Well not really. Only in certain situations I am. So I am a bit tired now. Been sleeping for a couple days.
Maybe I got the flu.

Blah blah blah.. my friend... Blah blah.. Not the same.
Yes I know I have been completely one track minded about this situation. So... so it's boring to hear about all the time. I get it. It is hard to talk about other things when your mind is so consumed by it.
I have tried to read, watch movies, excersise, go out, play games, knit. Yea so now what?
So putting things out of my mind and not focusing on it is not working.
Any thoughts? Ideas to work threw this? My heart is broken and my mind keeps pointing it out to me like a broken record.

Untill then, here I go trying to focus again. This time it will be on my Norwegian studies. I do do this everyday, not sure how well it is helping, but maybe some day I will be able to speak it.

Not the same at all.
No talking, just habit. Seems like he doesn't want to talk to me at all really. Were quiet more than not and I can hear in his voice there is more things bothering him than our issue. Yet, he will not open up to me any more. Perhaps in time. I do hope so.
Part of me feels he still gets comfort that we are on a call. Thats the habit part. The other part is that he feels obligated since I am down about us and he feels responsible. I guess that part isn't a good thing.

Here to hoping it will get better!

I am thinking it was just habit.  :(

I sit here with too much time on my hands. It may only be 5 minutes, but it feels like forever.
I love you and for some cosmic reason, that dosen't matter in the whole scheem of things.
I want to hear your voice. laugh with you, go places, talk, eat, just hang out. To think of a future without you makes life seem empty.
I can't do any of those things now. I can't even listen and be there for you, comfort you, you wont let me. You almost did. You almost talked, but stopped yourself. Things are no good now.
Is it time to walk away? I don't want to, but how can we go on? I am so lost.
I miss you my Sweets.

I want to scream. I don't get people at all!!!

Last night he went out late (about 10pm). So no gaming or anything. I didn't expect to hear from him. Then around 10:30pm I got a text that he would be around when he got home. So ok, I went on the computer about midnight. Around 1:30am he shows up.
We chat for about what, 10 minutes, about nothing really. He said he was tired. So I asked him if he wanted to head to bed. He said.. 'No, I told you I would chat with you so I am, and I want to be here.'
So ok, I stayed on. Nothing more was really said. Just a bit of small talk then he cuddled up in bed and feel asleep as we were talking.
(Ok, that might sound odd to some, but for us it is pretty normal. When one of us is really down or hurting, we will do this. It is one of the way were are there for each other. It gives a feeling like we are cuddling and falling asleep together. You know in a comforting way.)
So basically, last night he needed me. Usually he tells me why he is feeling so down, but with everything that has happend lately, I seem not to be privi to that information. Yet when he needed someone, he came to me.
Good sign or just habit?
We're actually talking this afternoon too. Yea, it isn't too normal for us to be chatting on-line in the afternoon. We are busy people. I just wish I knew why he needed me right now. But I am glad he does.  :)

Hoping for the best!

Angry and hurt. I feel like he did this to me. :(
How can you be so close one day then not care the next? I know that really isn't reality, but Arggggg

Why do we loose the ones we love?  :(

Well I guess thats it for now. We had a talk last night and it seems our friendship is really at a hault. Perhaps sometime in the future we will get it back on track. But when does that really happen when you fall out with a best-friend?
We finally talked talked last night. Pretty calm too after we got the conversation going.
Who knows how we got to this point, but we are here and I just have to learn to deal with it. Perhaps when I need to vent to my best-friend I will just have to post about it. Other than that I have no choice but to keep it to myself. It is always hard when we loose someone so close to us.
Well I haven't lost him, lost him. He will still be about, we will probably play the games we play, but our closeness, confiding in each other, being there threw anything is a thing of the past.
Makes you wanna destroy something, ya know...  :(

A - Age: 38


B - Book: Interview with a Vampire

C - Chore (dislike): Folding Landry, yuck!

D - Drink: Coffee, green tea, water

E - Eat: Salmon with asperagus, yummy

F - Flower: Fire Orange Roses

G - Gem: Emeralds

H - Height: 5'2"

I - Instruments: Nope, but I have Insomnia a lot

J - Joy: watching my little one play, hanging with my best friend, chatting with my older one

K - Kid(s): 2 that are 10 years apart

L - Living: In Norway.

M - Music: Rush, Queen

N - Noise: Low volume TV or radio in the background

O - Ornaments: Hmm not really, but I am an  Overly Sensitive person. Just found out.  :(

P - Pet Peeve: Closeminded people that think they are in a conversation with you and really all they are trying to do is to get you to do is think the way they do or do what they want.

Q - Quote: "A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day." - from Calvin and Hobbes

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Sibling(s): 1 brother 3 sisters

T - Time you wake up: depends, 6:45am is the first, but I end up taking several naps since I can't sleep at night

U - Underwear: black shorts style

V - Vegetable: Avacados

W - Word: Yesterday

X - X-rays:broke my arm when I was 6

Y - Yearning: for my best-friend he's currently missing from our friendship  :(

Z - Zzzz: Morning, got insomnia

I am so tired. Emotionally that is. Tired of feeling bad tired of fighting. The one person I was always able to turn to I can't. Last night was a bit rough. Not a pleasent conversation at all. Then no good-night call, no morning call. After doing such things for so long, it hurts that there was none and who knows if they will happen again or not. Funny how we are slaves to habits.
Everything is a maybe. Its all up in the air depending if his bit of fun is avalible. I can't st around waiting all the time. I know steping aside is right, but completely? It is like the respect for us and our friendship is out the wndow. I mean we werent regular friends. He and I were closer than sisters, closer than best-friends. Inseperable for 4 years and that is saying a lot for 2 people that don't live in the same country.
I tried to make plans with him, that didn't work. He agreed, but gudgingly. So he said that that wasnt a request. Of course it is I told him. I asked , I asked nicely and he said yes. But he says he felt like he had no choice. So I told him nevermind. If he felt forced, then no. I want him to agree for different reasons not because I have forced him into something.
Yet yesterday I had requested the same thing and that was a no go. So I told him that. If I was demanding time, then he wouldn't be busy later. Of course that fact didn't make a difference.
So, I ask him, 'how am I to ask for things or to spend time or to do something, you know like normal?' Of course there is no way right now. He feels if I ask anything I am being pushy.  :(
There there we go. Currently I am out one best friend, (for now) in a town a million miles from home surounded by people that can't seem to accept me. Yay for me.  :(

Ok, I have tried a new templete again. I think this one looks much better. Now I just need to figure out how to put that Blogger bar back at the top of the page.  :P Anyone know how?
Oh and what do you think of the new look?

So yea, I feel oddly relaxed today. Nothing has really changed in my social center and I am still working on me. I got stood up aready today by a friend. (A different friend, not my best-friend with whom I am having the issues with) So yea, my friend was to be here at noon and it is now 2:30pm. So you would think and overly sensitive person like me (or like I have been lately) would be curled into a ball by now. But nope not today.
Hope this calm lasts,  :)
Take care all!  :)

Ok, working on a detox for myself. 2nd day into it.
It is part of my plan of improving myself. So yea, trying to cleanse my body here. The first day was ok and today too. One problem I see happening is that I need to still cook for my family. The detox has me taking specific things and not normal everyday meals. So here is to hoping for the best and that I have the strength to follow threw with this.
So wish me luck!  :)

Feels like he is avoiding me. He says he's not but I think he is just trying not to hurt my feelings. I have been a bit sensitive lately. Yet there are pretty obvious signs that he is.
Guess I just need to move on and if he is still my friend he will come aound and call me on his own. I guess when you get use to someone always there for you for quite a few years it is hard to let it go. makes me wonder why it seems to be so easy for him. I guess distractions are good at that. maybe he just dosen't realize?
I do have other things I need to be getting done. It is just so many things were going wrong lately, this is the last thing I needed. have you ever felt like falling threw a black hole and there seems to be no end in site?
Lets see, something good. That is one thing I have been trying, not to always be thinking about the bad stuff.
Currently I can only think that I am still breathing, but sometimes I feel like I can't even do that.
Ok, here... 2 old workmates I got along with back in the US I have found on Facebook. So yea, reunited with 2 old friends. Thats good.
Have a good day all! 

Ok, so my anni didn't really happen. Go figure. Things aren't that great with us at the moment, so it was no surprise. Also my best-friend has drifted off a bit. He dosen't seem to think so, but he has and it is hard to point that out to him without sounding like a wet blanket every time we talk.
It's hard when things are going bad and you feel like the person closest to you seems to have better things to do. I am trying not to be negative and making all of our time together depressing. I just can't figure out how to get threw to him and get my best-friend back. Normally when things are bad he is right there for me. But not this time. He has a little distraction at the moment so in the heat of it all, he has left me out in the cold.
It is more fun for him with that distraction than me being a wet blanket. I guess I can't compete with that.

Hope our friendship dosen't go south over this. I miss him a LOT!  :(

Yes, thats about it for today. Still breathing.
Little one is enjoying a birthday party. So I need to pick her up soon.
And I am trying to study. When your mind is full of stuff, you spend more time calming down trying to remove it than studying. Feels like I am getting nothing done.
Anyone has good techniques for focusing?

Not much to really say today. Things are looking grim on some fronts, but I am still trying to move forward. It's odd how people can be very suportive and understanding for years, then one day when it slightly effects them the understanding completely goes out the window.
Hopefully people will notice before it's too late. I miss my friend.  :(

Found some helpful articles on dealing with emotions. Of course what I had found out the other day I really have no control over so I need to learn to accept what is going on. Even tho it is driving me mad and depressed. I will never get my goals accomplished if I fall into a depression, so of course my goal tonight was to look up self help babble to find a way to deal or accept what is going on.
Not sure I am feeling totally better. I don't think that is realistic, but this website had a better range of articles than I have seen. I know nothing about the books here, but the articles sounded really decent.

Going threw a bad spot. Learned a bit of news that is just knawing at me and makes the world feel like a black pit of nothing.
What a shitty way to start the new year. Hope yours is better!

I am drawing a blank in how to move forward. I know what I want, I know where I want to be. Yet I see no clear path to get that way. I never have been good at puzzles and it is like I need to be to figure out how to make things work to get me there.

Just wanted to wish everyone a great year this year. Hopefully things will get better for all!!!